So...

I got home from grocery doing and he's acting like nothing happened... We watched TV together. And he cuddled with me in bed. Its nice but i don't get it.

why?

he made it clear he does not want me. So why do I fight so hard for something that I'm the only one who wants? I don't know what to do anymore this is driving me crazy! he says he loves me but he sick of me, so I don't know exactly what that means. I don't know if he is tired of how things are going or my attitude or if she just doesn't want to be with me or I don't know I'm just out of ideas.

Yeah so

A. You wake up pissy with me for God knows why. Maybe because i passed out cold last night. Idk
B. Attitudinal problems with me when you get home from work.
C. Ari hits me in the eye with a quarter, granted accidental, but it still hurt!! And when i go to say ow you tell me to shut up
D.you are showing i go to give you a kiss and you tell me to let you shower in peace. I say i haven't showered yet and you should just enjoy your shower and you say you don't care.
E.you leave and take ari with you, when you get back you are still pissy.

Honestly it feels like you only want ari. Me and or daughter are useless baggage. Might or might not be true. Ugh i don't get you.... And my heart is getting sick of trying

And yet

Through it all. Despite what i do or don't feel for someone else ...i love him. He's lazy and irritating. But there are moments he can be sweet. It's for a flash second. But it's been what i hold onto to keep this marriage alive. I love him. It's a choice i make everyday. To lead my heart to what's right. And what's right is our family.

Be it what it may. :)

The difference

I met my soulmate when i was 13. And i made all the wrong choices after he broke up with me. I unknowingly made every choice that led me further and further from him. And now all I'm left with are memories of the one boy who made me feel loved. Beautiful. Special. That will be enough. It has to be. I don't need to but into his life too much. And even if my relationship is screwed up i am in a relationship. So I'll hold on to my memories and be happy with them in my dreams. :)
Goodnight

How i feel (right now)

I'm pissed. I spent all day cooking. All fucking day. I made 7 different meals. I take the kids to the park 2x for an hour each time. I did hella dishes and i cleaned house. Feed the kids. Bathe the kids and somehow it's ok for you to get home and criticize me? That pisses me off. Makes me mad. But to you i should be quiet and not tell you because my complaints aren't valid. Only yours are. My pain isn't valid. Only yours is. My work is worthless because i don't get paid. Yes. It makes me mad. I'm mad. And i feel unappreciated.
Ps stop calling me a cow and a whale. It's not cute and it makes me feel like shit. Ok? Thanks